You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
