I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
