Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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