false alarm. still invincible.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
