I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
