things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
