Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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