Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
