Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
