there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
