I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
