My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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