did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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