I should be sponsored by Trojan
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
