remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
