turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
