Operation Purity has been aborted
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
