They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I woke up under a house in Key West
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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