How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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