i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
