why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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