Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
