A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
