I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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