She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
