Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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