Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
