theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We have so much sex to catch up on
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
