its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
