I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
