I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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