I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He is an equal opportunity slut.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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