One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
