So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
