Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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