i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
