Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize