Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Randomize
