My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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