Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
