I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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