My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
