WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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