Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
