I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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