there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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