THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I wish you could order shots online.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
