i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
