If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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