I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
A bitchslap is in order.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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