i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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